22. Conducting Experiments

When I'm not being an internationally unknown writer, I spend a lot of my time conducting important scientific experiments. To give an example of the world-changing significance of this work, my current experiment seeks to answer the question:
'Is expensive shampoo and conditioner better for your hair than 99p stuff that smells of Play-Doh?'
I haven't applied for funding, yet, but I don't see how they could turn me down.

Other experiments have included:
'If I really focus can I lose 30lbs in weight AND get super fit and look good in my clothes for the first time ever?'
Conclusion: Yes. But not for long. And you'll be so boring while the experiment goes on that nobody will want to know you when you're thin.

'Is it possible to teach yourself to play the piano using only songs recorded by the Pussycat Dolls?'
Conclusion: Only if you are registered deaf. Or aurally challenged, or whatever it's called these days. (This is only slightly exaggerated. It was a John Denver book I found in a charity shop. I think it was for the guitar. Explains a lot.)

'How long will it take my brother to realise that he hasn't seen or heard from me in a while?'
Conclusion: Five months. And counting. (To give him his due, he has mentioned my name to others, so he knows I'm not dead.)

The experiments will continue as I am essentially a woman of considerable factual drive and scientific curiosity. And also, I have no life. When the experiments stop I will either finally have made it, or died. I'll let you know.