27. A good Bloody Mary

There are good Bloody Marys. And there are bad Bloody Marys. Bad ones are made with thin, bitter, cheap tomato juice, cheap vodka, too many spices, huge chunks of black pepper to shatter your teeth on and somehow taste weirdly gritty. Must be all the spices what haven't dissolved. A bad Bloody Mary is a thing of shame, because making a good one is relatively easy.

First buy good quality tomato juice. This is exactly the same principle as buying a good mattress for your bed, or good shoes for your feet. It is the bedrock; the foundation. Without it - you're stuffed.

Next buy good quality vodka. I like absolut, but Smirnoff is fine at a pinch. (No supermarket brands please. If you like those I suspect your next step is lighter fluid, so byebye and shut the door behind you.)

If you would waste Ketel One or Grey Goose on a Bloody Mary you should be forced to give me the bottle as a forfeit. Sheesh. Some people...

Now for the tricky bit. The blend of spices is a very personal matter - like body hair and Meryl Streep. Or body hair on Meryl Streep. I personally like Meryl hair-free, and a mildly spiced Bloody Mary. I think that salt, finely ground black pepper, a shake or two of Tabasco, a pinch of celery salt and a squeeze of lemon before you add the Lea & P makes for a wonderful Bloody Mary, as long as the vodka goes in first, followed by tomato juice, followed by ice, followed by spices, followed by Lea & P followed by slice of lemon and stick of celery if you're going to bother. Muck about with the order at your peril. The more eagle-eyed alcoholics will have noticed that I have missed out the splash of sherry that some feel is essential. At the risk of repeating myself, as I only have fine Fino or Manzanilla in the house, what the hell would I be doing splashing it into a BM? Get it together.

It's important not to overdo the BM consumption, or you'll go off them and that would be a shame. They are acceptable in watering places at the 6pm cocktail hour, accompanied by a crisp or a japanese cracker. No peanuts, please. They are acceptable at the French House on a Monday lunchtime (a trifle over-spiced, but not too bad). They are acceptable on Sunday before noon. Any more would be a waste.

Treat your Bloody Mary with care and respect and it will reward you with deliciousness and a hint of Cap d'Antibes glamour. And who doesn't need that in their life? Enjoy.